The problem is, SO many of us ignore the body’s attempt at telling the truth about what is and we try to cover up the truth of what is by taking medicine, by pretending that it’s “normal” to feel like that or by masking it in one clever way or another.

For several months, I had become a master at covering up the truth of what my body was telling me. I simply didn’t want to face the fact that all was not well in my body, mind and spirit – that is until that fateful day I looked myself in the mirror and owned up to the truth.

I knew it was time – time to reclaim my life, my health, my truth!

So, here’s what I did…

First, I made a phone call to my naturopath and put on my detective hat. Together, my naturopath and I began the excavation. We got right in there and dug deep so we could uncover the truth about my physical being.

Once we started receiving solid information about where my body needed some TLC, I started eating differently, moving differently, and I added in herbs, supplements and superfoods to my daily routine.

Most important, I went back to some of the things that had fallen off my plate that I knew my body loved. I started following the advice of my nutrition coach (me) because she knows a thing or two about how to heal the body naturally.

I began moving my body in a way that felt supportive of where I was and I kept listening very closely to ensure that my physical activity matched up with what my body really required.

Next, I began exploring my inner world. I pulled out all the stops and did the work – the inner work. Fortunately, I had all the tools I needed for this work, because this is the stuff I do with my clients.

I fully engaged in my program as if I were the client. I journaled, I answered the questions on my handouts, I read the books, AND I began asking for emotional support from the people closest to me.

Finally, I reached out to the director at my spiritual center and began the spiritual journey of a lifetime. I looked deep inside my soul for answers. Honestly, I didn’t have to look far – they were right there in front of me, waiting to be seen.

I also asked for the strength to heal myself from the pain I had been inflicting upon myself and that’s where the biggest piece of the puzzle came in to play…

Forgiveness

There was so much to forgive and I knew it had to start with me. But, before I could forgive, I had to know why. I wanted to understand how I had come to this place to begin with. AND I had to be willing to face the reasons even if they weren’t pretty and let me tell you, some of them were hard to look at because they were so hideous.

But, I allowed myself to go there and face the demons head on. I started to forgive myself and everyone else who I believed hurt me. And wouldn’t you know it, my heart began opening up like a flower in springtime. It was truly magical.

Honestly, it didn’t take long for me to begin enjoying the fruits of my labor. My entire being was given the nurturing it had been calling for so loudly and for so long. Self-care became my number one priority and it paid off – big time.

My energy was returning. The fog had lifted. My digestion improved. The PMS was dissipating. AND the weight was falling off. Most important of all, was that I no longer wanted to hide. In fact, I wanted to share my story with the world because I became committed to being real and raw with the truth of what is – good, bad or indifferent.

So, that’s why I began this blog. It has served as a vehicle to try on my newfound boldness and fierceness around standing in my truth. Ultimately, I envision that this blog series will be the catalyst for other women to heal that which has been holding them back from speaking their truth.

This is for the woman who is hiding behind her weight. This is for the woman who knows deep down that she is SO much more than she is allowing herself to be. This is for the woman who is feeling that voice inside wanting to cry out, “It’s Time!”

Part 6 is coming soon…

This place I’m referring to – was my body, my being, my life…

I had never in my 48 years of existence had the desire to say, “so long, it’s been fun, but I’m done here.”

What I didn’t know was that I had fallen into a state of depression. I didn’t know that the heaviness in my heart was a symptom of everything that was off-kilter within my being.

There were a multitude of other symptoms, too – my body’s attempt at screaming from the rooftop, “You’re NOT okay! You need some help!”

The crazy thing is that I teach women how to tune in to their bodies – how to listen to their bodies’ clues because that’s where the gold is. When you pay attention and get curious about what you’re body is telling you, especially before it gets completely off balance (like I was), healing and a return to balance is so much easier to achieve.

I even teach people about the value of cravings because I truly believe that cravings are beneficial when we learn how to interpret them correctly.

You see, I know this stuff. I teach it everyday. So how is it that I had lost touch with myself – how is that I just couldn’t see it – not just for a couple of weeks, but for several months?

By the time, the light bulb went off and I knew something was seriously “wrong” with me – I had put on 20 pounds, I was sleeping 10-11 hours a night, I had just enough energy to work with my clients and then I was toast, I had daily digestive upset, I had major PMS, oh and did I mention, I was depressed.

I literally cannot remember ever feeling as crappy as I did just a few short months ago. It literally felt like my life force energy was being sucked out of me, day by day, minute by minute.

So, if you’ve ever been depressed (and who hasn’t) then you know – when you’re in it, you can’t see it for what it is. What I mean by that is if you’re deep enough in it, you can’t help yourself at that point. And for me, I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. Can you relate?

I would convince myself that ‘tomorrow I’ll feel better.’ But, the truth is my body was falling apart and I wasn’t giving myself permission to own up to the facts.

Why?

Because I’m a frickin’ holistic nutrition coach for goodness sake! If people found out that I was feeling like crap, they might think I was a fraud. They might judge me because I had put on so much weight. I mean, really…who wants to be coached by someone who can’t even help herself lose weight?

I’m telling you, it wasn’t pretty…

I wallowed in self-pity, disgust, shame and guilt for quite some time. And then something shifted.

I was co-teaching a class about women’s empowerment (I know, kind of ironic, huh?) And, on the first day of class, I set the intention to do the work. So I began following along with the participants as my friend and I taught the 6-week course together.

I really allowed myself to go deep into the blocks that were preventing me from seeing my way out of the hell I was living in. For the first time in a long time, I found myself following through on my commitment to nurture myself and indulge in some much needed self-care.

And praise be to all that is good – I took a stand for myself and declared to the universe, “IT’S TIME!”

Go to Part 5

BUT, as terrifying as this feels to me, I know its time to reveal this part of my journey. This is a part of me that speaks volumes to why many women gain weight and struggle to release it. I encourage you to tune in and connect with the parts that resonate with you and your journey as a woman…

To assist me in getting back in touch with what I was going through, I read some of my journal entries from January and, quite frankly, they brought tears to my eyes. These were MY words – MY feelings… I have such compassion for “her”. She was so sad, so lost, so disconnected from her beauty, her love, her true essence…

That she was me, and that she might be you.

So, let me take you there…

I stood on the scale and saw a number I hadn’t seen in over 20 years. I was in complete disbelief. “What the hell am I doing?” I said aloud. “When will this ever end?!”

You see, I knew that my eating habits had gotten out of control. I knew that I didn’t feel good in my body anymore. And yet, I was in denial about what was really going on here.

As a holistic nutrition coach who specializes in helping women (and men) lose weight naturally, I am REALLY good at what I do. I’ve helped hundreds of individuals shed unwanted weight by letting go of their diet mentality and instead taking a deep look at their lives and the healing that is required to bring balance – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We walk a beautiful and often times profound path together. I am deeply grateful for the transformational work I am called to do.

So, here I was NOT walking my talk. NOT paying attention to EVERYTHING I know and believe in as a successful weight loss coach and healer. It was so easy to lose myself in the sessions with my clients. I was SO committed to their success, and yet I was letting myself go.

I reverted back to some of the same patterns of behavior that had me struggling with my weight back in my 20’s. What the hell was wrong with me?

For some reason, I couldn’t see it while I was in it, even though it was staring me right in the face. It’s as though I had made a mental contract with myself to completely shut myself off from ALL that I knew about binge eating, overeating and being overweight.

Reflecting back, I now know what was wrong with me. And, it isn’t pretty. So, here it is, in black and white for all the world to see.

I was using food to stuff down my feelings. I didn’t want to feel alone. I didn’t want to feel afraid and uncertain about my future. I didn’t want to feel unloved by my family. I didn’t want to feel judged by others. I didn’t want to feel like a failure. I didn’t want to feel overwhelmed by everything that appeared “out of my control.”

And so I ate. And ate. And ate until I couldn’t eat anymore…

Being overweight actually GAVE me something. It gave me protection. It made me feel “safe”. After having failed at not one, but two marriages, the idea of opening my heart to another man felt scarier than skinny-dipping in a swamp full of crocodiles.

So, carrying extra weight meant I wouldn’t attract any attention from men. And honestly, for the most part it worked, which gave me one less thing to deal with.

You could say that the extra weight afforded me the ability to be UNSEEN in many ways. I wanted to remain hidden in my sorrow and I didn’t want to put myself “out there” anymore because I had enough to deal with already.

I had become somewhat of a hermit because it was easier and safer to work from home and spend my free time safely tucked away in my house either by myself, with my kids or with my 2 dogs who lavished me with unconditional love.

Another thing carrying extra weight did for me is, distract me from my greatness – my truth. It distracted me from the light and love that exists within each and every one of us.

This is where self-punishment and self-sabotage came into play. I was punishing myself for not being “perfect”. I was punishing myself for not living up to other people’s expectations of me. I was punishing myself for allowing myself (at times) to be a temple of peace, joy, beauty, light and love in the world even in the midst of “life” happening to me. This was a big one.

Honestly, in 2012 there were many times when I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like my life was heading in the most beautiful direction. I was living my dreams…

AND, with every high, something or someone would come along and crush me like a bug and destroy my sense of hope.

Now mind you, I fully admit that I gave up my power in EVERY instance. So, I’m NOT crying victim here. What I can see now is that I had reached an upper limit in every case. You know, that place where you (sub-consciously) set limits on how happy, wealthy, thin, beautiful, peaceful, etc. you are allowed to be.

So, what does all this mean? It means that I kept moving away from love and my truth, and right into the arms of fear. And, this my friend, is the place where we lose sight of all that we are and all that we are meant to be.

I found myself in January, 2013 in a downward spiral that was taking me to a place I never knew existed. A place that nobody ever wants to go…

Go to Part 4

Actually, if you’re not familiar with this type of work, let me tell you it’s not exactly what you might think it is and on the flipside, it’s a lot more than you might think it is.

Had I done this work 5-years ago or even 6-months ago, I would never in a million years be sharing this publicly. Today, I’m all about being real, no matter what others might think. And, I only choose to be real and share the raw truth if there is value in my sharing. So, let me tell you why this piece of my story is pertinent.

In 2012, three major things showed up for me as a result of the intense experiences in my life. First, as I mentioned in part 1 of this series, I had begun a journey back into emotional eating. As you can imagine, I put on weight due to my bouts of binge eating. (We’ll come back to this shortly.)

Second, I found myself feeling less than fond of men (sorry guys) for the greater part of 2012 and in particular my ex-husband. Every interaction he and I had whether it was face-to-face, via email, or via my attorney, left me feeling physically ill and emotionally drained. I began to doubt that would I ever feel the desire to love again.

Third, I was an independent woman once again. I was back in charge of my finances and that scared the heck out of me. Although, I can’t say that I relied on my ex to “take care of me”, there was always that sense that we were in it together. Suddenly, it was me out on my own – a self-employed woman with 2 kids and 2 dogs who depended on me financially and otherwise.

If you know anything about me, you know that spiritual & personal growth are my middle names. As such, I attended healing ceremonies, workshops, retreats, read countless books and had acupuncture, body work, reiki and other types of energy work done as well, all as a means of supporting myself throughout the ‘adventures’ of 2012. And while ALL of that was deeply beneficial, there was more for me to heal – more for me to learn – and that is why I decided to do the work that sexual healing offers – because this work goes right to the core.

So, here I was on New Year’s Day, ready to do whatever was required to let go of that which was no longer serving me and in its stead, embrace that which would bring me the peace and serenity I so desired. Wow! I had no idea what I was in for!

Here’s just some of what showed up for me in that first session…straight from my journal dated, 1/1/13:

“So many things came up for me around deserving pleasure, deserving prosperity, deserving love, deserving joy, deserving peace & deserving beauty – all of this without a man by my side, or a man providing it for me, or a man giving me permission to have it.”

At one point, I had a vision of all the men in my life standing in a line, judging me. I felt naked. And I had the knowing that this wasn’t the only life where I’ve experienced this.

Such torture, such pain. A pain that I was ready to let go of and transmute into self-love.

Now, I know intellectually that no one has the power to make you feel a certain way. Only you have that power. I SO get that! And, I know that I am human and I have a tendency towards wanting to please others that goes very deep. I don’t like to rock the boat and I abhor any type of confrontation.

I also know that my past experience and previous default reactions to the perception that I wasn’t deserving of all that is good in life, was getting in my way of a future based only on the truth – the truth being that each one of us has a birth-right to pure joy, love, beauty, peace, abundance and all that is good.

The question I had that New Year’s Day was, “how do I create a life where I believe on a cellular level, that I AM deserving?” The answer seemed simple enough – fake it till you make it…(I’m only half kidding here.)

So, I got on a plane and headed to the beautiful island of Kauai to spend a week with a dear friend of mine who was flying in from Australia to meet me there.

That was perhaps one of the most profound trips of my life. Although I had been to Kauai before, my connection to the island and its beauty was richer than ever. It was a truly sensual time, seeing the beauty, smelling the glorious scents, tasting amazing food, hearing the waves of the ocean, feeling the warm sand between my toes and sensing that I was being surrounded by love and abundance.

Ugh! And then it slapped me in the face about mid-way through the trip. Who was I to be enjoying such a luxurious vacation? Who was I to be laughing recklessly with Ness at the silliest things? Who was I to be indulging in some of the finest organic foods & super foods available? Who was I to be having the time of my life?

So, I returned home from my trip feeling a bit perplexed and quite frankly disappointed in myself for having invited in such ill thoughts. It was time to return to self-love…but how? Especially now that I was heavier than I had been in over 20 years.

Go to Part 3

2012 was definitely a year to remember. It started off with a bang. In January, my 89-year old father ended up in the hospital with severe pain. Having had a stroke the year before, he was more frail than usual and it was difficult to see him back in the ER.

The doctors discovered a mass in one of his kidneys that had cracked and was bleeding internally. This would explain the terrible pain he was in. The word cancer was spoken and little options were offered due to my Dad’s age as well as the location of the mass.

My Mom, five siblings and I met in one of the hospital meeting rooms to discuss the best course of action. We determined that it would be in my Dad’s best interest to let him go home and keep an eye on the mass without causing any other undue pain to my father.

The following weeks and months were difficult, as we didn’t know what to expect. Fortunately, he seems to have healed nicely and his subsequent check-ups have been good.

In early March 2012, I found myself at a major crossroads in my marriage. I knew that if I kept heading on the same path, nothing would change except that the unhappiness and dissatisfaction we were both experiencing would continue to grow.

On the flip side, I knew that if I took a new path, it would be challenging for everyone concerned, however in the long-term this path would lead to greater joy and peace for all.

I chose the new path and all hell broke loose. Honestly, it was a mutual decision, but as you can imagine the realness of this decision brought out the worst in my ex. And if that weren’t bad enough, my entire family was in an upheaval. One of my brothers even yelled at me for “doing this to the family.”

I won’t go into all the ugly details of my divorce, however I will tell you that there were periods of time when I felt like I was letting everyone I love down. I felt like I was letting myself down and I felt like a failure. It was a dark time.

In the midst of divorce proceedings and me searching for a new place to call home for my twins, 2 dogs and myself, my 56-year old sister-in-law had a heart attack, which took her life suddenly. John and Sue had been married for 33 years. Sue had been part of our family since I was about 12-years old, so you could say she was more like a sister to me.

Sue’s sudden departure weighed heavily on my grief-stricken brother as well as the entire family. Delivering the eulogy at her funeral with my two big sisters at my side is something I never could have imagined doing and yet I found myself standing in front of a church full of people as together we mourned her passing.

But the most heart-wrenching experience of all was witnessing Sue’s mother who flew in from out-of-state, see her only child lying in a casket for the first time. It is a memory I will never forget.

Less than one month after Sue’s passing, my kids and I moved into our new home. It was exciting and weird all wrapped in one. It was a time for a fresh start. A time for letting go of the old and embracing the new – as well as a time for wondering what the future held for us.

After settling in to my new home and my newfound independence, I remember this deep sense of aloneness setting in. As much as I tried reminding myself that I was truly NOT alone, I couldn’t help feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. This feeling would come and go. I didn’t know what to do with it when it surfaced, so I would distract myself – often times with food – an old habit that had been dormant for years.

Months passed as we neared the end of 2012 and I began feeling hope for a brighter future. I began seeing evidence that I was safe – that all was well and that I could create a beautiful 2013 for myself and my kids.

My business was soaring, and more and more opportunities were showing up in my life. So, by mid-December I made the decision to take a trip to Kauai to kick off the New Year. I felt that by going to Hawaii in January, I would be declaring to the universe that I was ONLY interested in playing BIG in 2013. This trip would serve as a celebration of my healing and my desire to step fully into my power as a woman. And that by proclaiming my truth, this would serve as hope for other women who might be facing a similar situation as I did months before.

So, 2012 came to a close. I said ‘good-bye’ to a year that had kicked my butt while at the same time lit a fire under me. And so, I welcomed in 2013 with great excitement and expectation…

Go to Part 2

Serves 2

Ingredients:
7 stalks celery
1 cucumber
1-2 carrots
1 green apple
1 small handful parsley
1 small handful kale
1 small handful romaine
1 inch cube ginger

Directions: Put all ingredients through juicer and enjoy!

Ingredients:
4 cups of your favorite winter squash and/or sweet potatoes cubed
2 cups of your favorite veggies chopped into bite size pieces (ex: zucchini, yellow squash)
Coconut butter
Sea salt
Cinnamon

Directions:
1. Place steamer basket in a large pot, add water just below basket and turn burner setting to high.
2. Once the water is boiling, add squash or sweet potatoes and steam for approximately 5-8 minutes
3. Add veggies and steam for an additional 5 minutes
4. Place squash, sweet potatoes and veggies in a large bowl. Add desired amount of coconut butter, sea salt and cinnamon. Stir gently and serve!

As I venture into new territory of self-discovery and the shedding of old programming that was blocking me in various areas of my life, I have found my sense of knowing and intuition growing ever-so-strong.

My ability to tune in and receive answers has become increasingly easier. Interestingly, I have begun to see more visions/pictures that tell the tale of great insight. It’s actually pretty cool!

One of the insights I had the other day led me to a prison cell. I felt locked in and so frustrated that I couldn’t break free. In that moment it became crystal clear to me that the cell represented the feeling of being locked in by emotional eating and held captive by the uncontrollable urge to overeat.

I was so overcome by this image and the feeling directly connected to it that I felt compelled to journal about it. In my journaling, I discovered that my fear of feeling out of control around food is still – after years of work – alive within me.

It dawned on me that the recent healing work I started doing, was bringing me right into the core issue around my struggle with binge eating – a compulsion that started in my late teens. Although, I have overcome many of the hurdles around dieting, weight loss, body image and everything else I teach my clients about food and weight…there is still this lingering deep-seated attachment to the struggle that hasn’t lifted.

If you have ever battled with binge eating, overeating, poor body image, being overweight, food addiction or any type of eating disorder, you know how deep-seated this issue can be. It truly feels as though you are imprisoned in your own body, mind and soul, AND you often become obsessed with finding the key to unlock it all.

So, I’ve decided to embrace the deepest exploration into my eating disorder. I want to know exactly what’s left to uncover and then learn how to heal it, once and for all.

Most important, I want take my learning and share it with the world. I want to share it with YOU. Everything I teach my clients about ditching their diet mentality and releasing extra weight by taking a holistic approach, it’s ALL about my journey to healing – and – it appears that there’s another step, one that’s sure to be the final step.

SO, my promise to you is to continue to share this awakening with you just as it unfolds. I promise to be completely transparent and open about what comes up for me. It’s in sharing the raw truth that healing and transformation gets anchored in. And one of my intentions for 2013 is to speak my truth no matter how uncomfortable it feels.

I am ready to break free!! Are YOU?

To learn more about how you can work with Kelly in her highly successful private coaching program, home study program or group program, send an email to info@kellycornellwellness.com.

Take a look at the areas in your life that aren’t working out as well as you’d like…paying particular attention to the one thing that keeps showing up on your New Year’s Resolution list year after year.

No matter what that thing is for you, if you haven’t been able to create a shift for yourself – it’s time to try something new – something radical.

I’ve learned the hard way that, “when you keep doing what you’ve always done, you keep getting what you’ve always gotten.” SO, change it up in a BIG way and success will surely follow.

I know this because I made a decision several years ago to take a different approach to losing weight and healing my body from several health challenges. Prior to this decision, I had tried diet after diet. I over-exercised. I kept doing the same thing I always did and knew how to do AND I kept getting the same crappy results.

Then I got totally radical and my world changed forever…

By radical I mean that I stepped completely out of my comfort zone and engaged in activities and ways of being that felt really weird and at times almost wrong.

I began working with holistic coaches and healers who taught me unconventional methods for losing weight and gaining health. I opened myself up to trying some pretty crazy practices that I can’t share with you here, but were some of the most profound experiences of my life.

Talk about radical!

My willingness to put myself out there and push the boundaries of my comfort level is the key to my success. I know that if I want my dreams to come true, I need to be 100% willing to go for it in a way rocks my world and every time I do that the pay off is huge!

And that’s how I choose to live my life now, because I am that committed to never again settling for less than everything my heart desires.

What do you dream about?

Isn’t it time for you activate your dreams?

Feel into your deepest desires and ask yourself, “What is one thing I can do right now that feels totally radical and will help move me closer to that desire?” And then just do it…it’s all a matter of choice. You can choose to stay stuck in a holding pattern or you can choose to move over to the other side where life is a dream come true.

I’m here to support you and in fact, you can get all the help you need to make your dreams come true in my upcoming program. Check it out here: Activate Your Power

Here’s to getting radical!

It’s safe to say that 2012 hasn’t been my favorite year to date, AND I can honestly say that 2012 has been a year of unprecedented growth and expansion for me. I embrace it all and look forward to 2013 presenting itself with lots of growth and expansion in a way that comes with grace and ease.

One of the things that resurfaced for me in the midst of my divorce was the pain and anguish of emotional eating. It truly caught me off guard and had me feeling shameful due to the nature of work I do – helping women end their battle with food and weight.

There were times when I felt like a fraud and yet I couldn’t seem to find my way out. At one point I remember surrendering to it all and just allowing myself to be in it 100%. Those were some of the most healing times for me. And, when I worked with my clients from this place, I felt more connected to them and their struggles than ever before.

Here’s what I know now…

I do NOT need to be battling with my weight or binge eating to relate to my clients and be an effective coach. I’ve already been there and done that. I GET IT!

And…most important of all…I know how to help my clients get out if it!!

So, I’m feeling compelled to share one key piece of the puzzle that may help you stop your emotional eating in its tracks. When I hit rock bottom and was using food to dull my senses and distract me from a reality that I didn’t recognize as mine and at times didn’t even want to acknowledge as mine…I finally held myself with love and reminded myself that I had ALL the tools and support I needed to move away from this dark place and back into a place of light, love, self-control and self-worth.

And from this place, I took a stand for myself and my body. I filled myself up with the love and acceptance for not being the “perfect” health coach that I so desperately wanted to be. I reminded myself that everything I was experiencing was actually “perfect” and beautiful because in my heart I know that life unfolds in divine perfection.

Next, I brought myself back to the place where I truly honor, respect and worship my body temple. This one body that I have been gifted in this lifetime is a precious gift that I only wish to cherish. I really sank into the idea that my body is a temple. And that is the familiar place I’m used to living in – so it all came rushing back to me – almost in an instant.

I do love, honor, respect and cherish my body so why would I feed it too much, not enough, food it doesn’t like, food that makes me feel like crap, etc.? The answer didn’t really matter. What mattered most is that I came back to the awarenes that everything I put into my body is either an act of love or hate.

I choose love…every time!

So, I invite you to examine your relationship to your body. Can you get on board with the idea that your body is a gift? Can you try on the concept that treating your body with love and respect might just help you steer clear from over-feeding it? Can you choose love in the midst of feeling the desire to punish yourself for being less than or not being “perfect”? Can you learn how to love your body even in the face of uncomfortable feelings and emotions that you are used to stuffing down with food?

I’m betting that with some guidance, a lot of practice and a little inspiration, you can! I know that because I struggled with my relationship to food and my body for over 20 years and even with a set-back here and there along the way, I always come back to love – and you can, too…